I’m at the point in our grain harvest where I’m maxed out, done and want to throw in the towel. Believe me, I know it sounds selfish as I know that other families with other situations and careers have it far worse than I do and probably cope better than me, but this is all I’ve known for the last 8 years. We have been going at our harvest since the beginning of August, and even though we’ve had a fair share of down time between waiting for crops to ripen and all the rain we got, it just never seems to end. I haven’t been coping that well lately for many reasons and I’m just done.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad lately, and that’s the reason why I’ll always hate harvest a little. Yesterday my sister-in-law Laura’s father-in-law came to help with harvest, and seeing him at supper was really hard for me. Not 5 years ago, that was my dad. He took a whole week’s vacation to come to the farm and learn about and help with harvest, and he was SO excited about it. It was his idea. He drove grain trucks for a whole week and was as happy as a pig in…well, you know. However, that’s when I discovered his addiction to alcohol and everything went downhill from there.
When someone stays in your home for a whole week and you can observe behaviours you had never witnessed on short weekend visits, the pieces of the puzzle started fitting together, and after dad’s trip down to the farm for harvest…nothing was ever the same. I have felt a huge chunk of my life, my heart and my family be void from who I am for 5 years now. I type this late at night through blurry tears looking at old photos wishing dad was here so he could see all of his grandkids and be here to help with harvest again. I’m usually a very strong person when it comes to these things, but I can’t be strong right now.
I’ve been stressed and emotional and agitated around everyone. I have been forgetful and careless and everyone deserves more of me, but I feel like I don’t have the strength to give it.
God bless our oldest boy, though. I was frustrated with him at a much-later-than-normal bedtime last night (because I was 1/2 hour late to do my monthly group cleaning of our playschool because I’m so forgetful, out of it and got busy at harvest supper) because he was dawdling getting his pajamas on. By the end of the day (more often than not lately) I’m just done, and I want my kids to be in bed so I can just rest. I asked him multiple times to get dressed and eventually yelled at him to puh-LEASE just get dressed. He cried (mom of the year) which made me feel even worse…but when he came out to have a quick snack before bed, I sat with him and calmly apologized for being grumpy and that I was sorry for yelling. I told him that when I ask him to get his pajamas on, it makes me really happy when he does it right away, as fast as he can. He smiled and nodded his head and continued his snack.
I don’t want my kids to remember me as this kind of a mom on these days.
After he was done, he walked over to me in the kitchen and just gave me a hug. For seemingly no reason, but I knew he forgave me and I knew that he knew I needed that hug. I told him I loved him, and off we went to find his brother so we could all go to bed.
I’ll be strong for you, Braden, and for you, Ethan, because you deserve it and you need it. It’s only a season…it’s only a season… But I’ll still always hate it a little.