I keep hoping and thinking the coming of spring will bounce me out of this feeling of “blah”, but looking outside to a bright white snow-covered prairie isn’t really giving me much confidence that spring is coming any time soon. But, if I’m being completely honest, I’m obsessing over relationships that I have no control over. I can’t turn off my “give a damn” because I think I’ll always give a damn, it’s part of what makes me, me—and I have a hard time understanding how people can turn off their give a damn so easily. I am almost finished reading “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck” and I was hoping it would provide more clarity. It has, but I still give too many fcks, as the author puts it. My brain knows that how I feel isn’t going to change people’s feelings (or more importantly their actions), but my heart hasn’t quite caught up. I’m having a hard time letting go and understanding the whole process. I had a dream about my dad the other night, not good or bad…just a dream with him in it…and that always triggers lots of these feelings.
Also obsessing over where the heck all this snow is going to go…!
See above! But also, thinking about spring, my garden, my flowers, seeding and the boys starting soccer. I sat down and wrote all of what I planted in the fall in my flower beds, what I bought for summer planting and now I’m planning where I’m going to plant them. I definitely need another large flower/garden bed tilled up because I need to plant 50 dahlias! I am so so so excited to do it in a more organized fashion vs. my trial plot last year. I’m planting different varieties of zinnias to see if more expensive varieties from Floret Farm are worth it or if what I bought from Peavey Mart last year (that did really well!) is good enough for me!
I’m truly sad about hockey being done, I’ve absolutely loved watching the boys play this year, and it helps that they both love it so much and are so passionate about the sport. I’m definitely going to be registering them in a hockey camp for the end of summer, and they’ll also do 2-3 days of bible day camp.
Also thinking about Braden and his stomach issues. His ultrasound came back negative, which is good (of course), but I was kinda hoping they’d find something that was causing his pain, and easy to fix. Too much to ask for, I know. I’m definitely leaning towards anxiety now, he has had many symptoms of anxiety for a long time, and I made the phone call to have him assessed by mental health.
Not a lot, and it’s a good and bad thing right now. Hockey is done now and the big pressure of the skating carnival is over with only 1 day left next week. Life is slowing down right now before the hustle and bustle of seeding and my weekends are suddenly free too. I have myself scheduled to work once a week until seeding starts with no desire to do more. The arena is my social life…so I have no idea what I’m going to do now!
When the weather has cooperated, I have been enjoying going on walks every day. I found my long, lost Fitbit and I push myself to meet all my goals on my Fitbit daily. I’m very data-oriented and I want my 10,000 steps, 10 flights of stairs, 8 kms and 20 minutes of activity to light up at the end of every day. I also bought a few books for my Kobo and want to make that part of my nightly routine vs. being a zombie on the couch or in bed all night every night.
We are absolutely loving to wind down with laughter every day by watching “The Last Man on Earth” on Netflix. I also started a new series on Prime called “The Night Shift”, and I’m looking forward to the Roseanne reboot starting next week!
The fact that I wrote this blog post. I always forget how therapeutic writing is for me and getting it all out there. I started this blog post with tears in my eyes a few days ago, feeling so down and depressed. My anxiety has absolutely been more prevalent in my life, because my #1 trigger are the relationships in my life that aren’t what I want them to be. But I end with a heaviness lifted knowing that I said what I wanted to. I know it’s been super quiet here, but I’m okay with that too. I don’t know the fate of this blog, but I’ve never pressured myself to write things I don’t want to or to write for the sake of getting a blog post published. It’s expensive to keep it running if I’m not really using it, but I’m not ready to let it go…at least I don’t think so.
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