This is in response to this blog post I was told about. Instead of attacking this blog post or parents who don’t sleep train and writing a post titled “A Letter From a Non-Sleep Trained Baby“, I’m going to write a letter from a sleep trained baby giving a whole other perspective.
Dear Mommy,
At first I was confused. You would nurse me and I would cozily drift off into dreamland for the night and you would come to me any time I called for you in the night.
That week that you sleep trained me was different.
I had my bath and you nursed me and gave me snuggles and I felt so safe and secure in your arms, like always. You sang me a song and set me down to bed awake and I fell asleep like I always did. I barely remember you coming into my room and gently picking me up to feed me again, Mommy, when I was still sleeping so my tummy was nice and full should I get hungry later on. I guess you call this a dreamfeed.
I remember the first night that week and I woke up…but I wasn’t hungry. I called out for you, Mommy, but you didn’t come. I called and called and you didn’t come because this is what I was used to and I always called out for you. I wasn’t hungry, I wasn’t wet, I was nice and warm and dry…but I was so used to you coming to comfort me back to sleep, so I just did the only thing I knew to do.
I cried out for longer than you thought I would that night, but that was the worst of it. I did it. I soothed myself and I fell asleep on my own. Again you came in when I was asleep and filled up my tummy with another dreamfeed so you knew I wouldn’t be hungry.
This happened again and again as the week went on. But I didn’t call out for you for long, Mommy, because I knew you weren’t going to come. I know this isn’t because you don’t love me, but now I know how to put myself back to sleep mommy and I feel SO much better in the mornings! I am well rested and greet you with smiles and giggles instead of tired eyes from broken up sleep.
I know you love me so much mommy. You comfort me and make me feel better if I cry during the day. I know that if I cry you WILL comfort me. If I’m sick or teething at night, you will come and check on me because you know that I need you when I’m not feeling good and I sometimes just can’t get back to sleep on my own. I know you love me, Mommy, and I love you too.
Now when someone else is watching me I go to sleep like a dream. Anyone can put me to sleep and I can fall asleep anywhere! I don’t need you to rock me to sleep or lay down with me for hours to fall asleep because I can do it on my own and I love doing it and prefer to do it that way. I am well-rested and happier for it and I can tell you are too, Mommy!
– – –
I don’t know that blogger’s story. I don’t know how many kids she has or her views on parenting. Even if I did, this isn’t a letter of ‘attack’ on her. I would assume that she is a non-sleep training parent and that’s fine. I’m of the Do-What-Works-For-You School of Parenting, but a blog post like that attempts to shine a bad light on sleep training, of which I’m a big advocate of for my family, and her blog post doesn’t sit terribly well with me.
I don’t care if you bed share with all 5 of your children or have to nurse, rock, sing, or bounce your baby/toddler to sleep. A lot of families do it, love it, and wouldn’t change it for the world. It never would and never will work for me. I need my sleep (that is not selfish, nor do I expect a full 8 hours, I just want/need more than 1 hour at a time), and more importantly, it was my babies that needed their sleep. I researched the proper method that would work for us, I tweaked it so it would work even better, and I’ve never regretted it.
Sleep training is the gift that keeps on giving and it is short term pain for long term gain.
The first few days to 1 week is hard. It will make you doubt why you are doing it because you will be more tired than when you were waking up every hour to comfort a baby who wasn’t hungry, was warm, dry, healthy, and cozy. Braden would wake up every 1-2 hours for weeks on end during his 4 month wakeful period which seeped into his 5 month old stage. He was waking out of habit and not napping well during the day and I had to make it better for him, for me, my whole family.
So I sleep trained (both the kids) between 5-6 months and I haven’t looked back a day since. They can sleep at home, on vacation, in a different crib, in a pack n play, in a camping trailer, and now that Braden’s older – in any bed or on a couch. They fall asleep and they stay asleep. If they wake up? They might fuss a minute or two – and they put themselves back to sleep. If they fuss longer – I know something is wrong and I always go and check on them and do what I can to make it better.
Some of you think I’m a monster. I get that. I let my babies cry and didn’t run to them to comfort them. “What kind of a mother just lets her babies cry?” I did it for weeks. on. end. with Braden. I ran to him the minute he cried, even when I had just fed him and gotten him to sleep. I used to spend time bouncing him and singing him to sleep for his naps and would put in 45 minutes of work for a 20 minute nap in return. For me, I couldn’t do it anymore so I sleep trained at an appropriate age using an appropriate method.
That’s very important to understand, especially if you are against sleep training. I follow a method, the method has rules, I changed some to adapt for my family. I am not a cold-hearted mother who loves to hear my babies cry. I don’t ignore them for hours on end to purposefully make them “suffer”. I didn’t wean them from nighttime breastfeeding cold turkey – it was a very set weaning schedule that I stuck to like clockwork. There is a method to this “madness” and that is really important for the nay-sayers to understand.
I look at friends and family that have to rock or bounce babies/toddlers to sleep for up to an hour or more every single nap or at bedtime. I see moms and dads that have to lay with their big kids for hours on end every single night to get their kids to sleep. I don’t have to do it. Maybe it works for you, maybe it doesn’t. It would never work for me and that’s why I sleep trained. I get lots of cuddles from both kids during the day and when I put my older child to bed at night, now that he’s in a twin bed, I lay down with him for about 10 minutes each night as we sing songs and say prayers before I kiss him goodnight and leave him to fall asleep on his own, like always.
You can buy SleepEasy, the book I used to sleep train both kids, and you can read my sleep training posts too. I’m always happy to answer any questions or give advice when asked.
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Thanks for this post. Too often, I read bloggers who follow attachment parenting, and they justify themselves by writing and saying they're good parents and love their children, as if others don't.
I was blessed with an "easy baby"; she quickly learned how to self sooth herself by sucking her thumb. Now, I dread the thumb sucking. I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" way to do it. Each family needs to take their personalities and their children's personalities into account.
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Thanks for your comment, Sarah. I find myself that I *usually* don't mesh too well with the 'hardcore' APers because they feel that I don't love my babies as much as they do because I flat out do NOT want my babies attached to me in anyway. I don't babywear, I don't co-sleep, I don't run to them for every little thing…and that works for me. I don't care if you wear your baby all day and sleep with them all night and they rarely leave your side…it's just something that could never work for me – it's a mental sanity thing as well as a sensory thing for me.
Thank you again for your insight, I totally agree!
I often wonder why and when it became anyone elses business what our night time (or anytime) routine is with our children? It amazes me that women can't stick together even if they have differing opinions. I did the attachment parenting 100%. Now, my son did cry for a few minutes here and there as a baby. Obviously, there are times when I just couldn't pick him up. But, especially at night, he was always picked up, changed, fed and rocked when he cried. He would go right back to sleep. He slept through the night most nights and now at almost 4, he is still a great sleeper. We cosleep most nights too and we are all happy, healthy and well rested. When we travel he sleeps in the car, in a hotel, at grandmas, etc….anywhere really and we have no problems. He goes to a babysitter during the day and has no problems there either. I think people need to realize that not every child can be sleep-trained and not every mom wants to do that. The same goes for cosleeping. Just because we didn't let our baby CIO doesn't mean I care that my neighbor lady does let her baby CIO. We should be sticking together, not judging each other.
That is EXACTLY how I feel, Faye. Believe you me – sleep training is NOT fun on anyone and I truly wish I didn't have to do it. I wish my babies knew how to sleep and self soothe from the get-go, lots of babies do….just not mine. I am the "anti-attachment parent" because that's what works for me. I do not care if you (or anyone else!) is the very definition of an AP family, it doesn't affect my parenting or my opinion of you – BUT if someone bashes my parenting choices…then we have a problem 🙂 We do need to stick together, amen!
I completely agree. Maybe because I DID let my babies CIO, I feel as though our culture is more condemning of parents like me, and I feel attacked frequently. I think sometimes people on both sides take the approach of attacking when we feel attacked ourselves – I don't think that was Sarah's intention at all when she wrote this post. I have a close friend who would never let her babies CIO, and yet she and I can have awesome conversations about her parenting and we don't judge each other at all – because we both know how much we love our kids and how much we each want to do what is best for them. I read an article once (I think it was about the whole breastfeeding debate, which is another place where people think they can decide what's best for other people) where the author said that we should all make the assumption that each Mom (or Dad) is doing what she believes to be best for her kids. If we all kept that thought in the forefront of our minds, we would be less likely to judge.
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I love the idea of sleep training. I believe when you rush to a baby and jostle and jiggle them you cause them to come fully awake. YOU are interrupting their sleep along with your sleep. We often roll over, fuss a bit, chat in our sleep. None of us would like to have someone bounce into our room, snatch us from bed and start singing and fussing! Good work on the sleep training Sarah. It takes a strong person to do what is right for our children, which at times is letting them figure things out even though it is difficult for them and us!
Thanks, Marjorie. I could never ever bed share or co-sleep as I would no sleep a wink – I guarantee it. That's why my babies have been in their own rooms from day 1. It's not for everyone, but it sure worked for us.
[…] and lovingly tell them that it’s okay at intervals…you get the drift. It’s not for everyone, I’m not trying to sell it to you…unless you want me to and I’d be super happy to […]
Hi Sarah, I am also looking for some advice for us with Vanessa. She just turned 2 and was actually a pretty good sleeper up until we moved her into big girl bed. Now that she knows she has the freedom, I literally dread "bedtime" every. single. night because we fight with her to go to bed and go to sleep. After reading about sleep training- (which I wish I'd done earlier) is it too late to train her to go to bed on her own? Without having to lay with her all the time!!??
Hey Joanna! The transition to the big bed always causes some riffs! It's never too late to sleep train, the book I use (The SleepEasy Solution) is for 4 months – 5 years! They have little sections in the book, which is very easy to read, about special circumstances including the transition out of crib. I would definitely buy it and give it a read! With Braden I did have to sit with him for 3 nights and rub his back until he fell asleep, but on the 4th night I "laid down the law" and told him it was bedtime and that he needed to stay in bed. I'm sure I"ve blogged about it but I can't remember EXACTLY what I did to explain to a just-over-2-year-old to stay in bed, but he did!
Any tips for training with 2 in a room? Yawn. I'm tired :/
I did it! Leila slept at Grandma and Grandpa's for three nights while I did sleep training with Carson. Since he was already trained for naps, it was a breeze. Leila learned to sleep through the random wake ups.
That's a great idea, Jen! Thanks for sharing! Braden's a super deep sleeper so he could easily share a room with Ethan if we had to.
I didn't sleeptrain Brody until he was older (about 10 months old) and did a different method. We were getting up several times a night to feed when I knew he didn't really need to get up to eat. I was working full time and taking call for the OR and was a walking zombie and knew something had to change. Once we made it through the hard days it made life so much easier. I rock Brody until he's almost asleep then lay him down to drift the rest of the way off to sleep and that worked for us. 🙂 Until now. Now we don't sleep ever. Someday though, at least I hope lol.
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Also! Thank your for posting this. I'm totally on board with you on the "doing what's best for your family." Nothing infuriates me more than mommy bashing each other. NO mother does anything to intentionally hurt their child. We all want to love, teach and help them thrive in life and do what we think best accomplishes this goal. This was beautifully written and I fully believe you're boys will always know that every choice you've made as a momma was with their best interest in mind. Keep it up momma!
Sorry for the disconjoined thoughts. End of my second 12 hour shift in a row, I'm sure you understand the mush that is my brain by the end of the day :).
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and p.s. The comments on the other article are just ridiculous. Seriously so. Ahhhh. Forehead smack.
Ugh I know! The comments are ALWAYS the worst on posts like those! I like to think my blog doesn't get too like "that"! 😉
Thank you for posting this!!! Seriously. I hate the other angle that makes us feel like SUCh crappy uncaring unloving parents for oh-my-word making our kids cry at all. For putting them through anything. Like it's the end of the world and such a testament to bad parenting and ohhh our kids will be SCARREd for having to cry. Please. Just please. Kids forever have been made to just deal with it and get over it. There is a time and a place for sympathy and hugs and love but another aspect of parenting is loving kids even when they are having to go through something hard. Sometimes love is tough but somehow there are a ton of parents who have equated painful things kids have to go through with bad parenting. To which I say what.the.hell. It's ridiculous and not right. Anyways, thank you 🙂 Truly. This is an awesome letter. We sleep trained our oldest. And are working on it with our youngest.
Thanks for the comment, Laura! And yes I feel too that that's the angle used (I actually found another post on her blog about "why sleep training is bad" and it just makes me hang my head in shame. We shouldn't be making each other feel bad and that's what posts like hers do, just exactly like the examples you've given. Unless you've researched up on sleep and know the rationale to sleep training using a CIO method….you cannot judge and you certainly shouldn't judge anyway!
<p dir=ltr>I think I would be a lot more inclined to listen if it were more of an “here this is something that works for me and I wanted to share it” or at least encouraging you but the bashing? Uncalled for. Thank you for not taking that approach!! Our almost six year old is doing awesome and has no adverse side effects 🙂
ok, first of all, I sleep train my babies and I am still in full on tears from reading the original post. I'm a mess. I didn't read every word because i can't even bare it.
But here is the flip side.
From a baby that didn't get sleep trained. Telling you now, as an adult. I wish I had been.
I am 30 years old and I have a hard time falling asleep. I stopped napping long before I even remember (so…3?). I wake up during the night and am unable to get myself back to sleep. I toss. I turn. I can only sleep under the most perfect conditions and the smallest of changes cause me insomnia. It takes me over an hour to fall asleep, both in the evening and if I wake up at night. Everything wakes me and I am fully awake immediately, struggling and wishing I could fall asleep.
The skill to sooth yourself back to sleep is one that lasts a lifetime.
And hard as it is, I sleep trained both of my babies. Not just for me. But for them.
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Oh, Kat! I'm so sorry I didn't mean to make you cry. I just read her post and kinda rolled my eyes because yes – that's probably what a baby *might* be feeling (if they could form cognitive thoughts at such a young age!) the first night or two of sleep training, BUT my blog post here is the flip side of it, which I believe to be true.
I was just so stuck mentally, physically, and emotionally with Braden's AWFUL sleep habits at 4-5 months I just had to do something. It is absolutely 100% for the betterment of the whole family – baby, mom, dad, and siblings.
That's interesting your story of not being sleep trained and how it affects you as an adult. Thank you for sharing!
Great post! We sleep trained our oldest and with our second child we didn't even need to do it. She just slept through the night all on her own. I think it is because we started from the beginning just laying her down in her bassinet (plus she had a lot of stimulation during her day watching her 2 year old big brother).
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Thank you, Val! It was easier in a sense to sleep train Ethan because I had done it before. He actually preferred to fall asleep on his own from 8 weeks on, and had I not sleep trained Braden first and known that this habit is GOOD and okay…I probably would have tried to force him to be nursed/rocked to sleep or something! It's good to know sleep training works for other families as well, thanks again.
Bravo! It's refreshing to read a post that advocates for sleep training! It has made such a difference for my family. My toddler is an excellent sleeper, and I credit it to sleep training when he was younger. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks, Lucy! Seems to be a lot of sleep training bashing out there as the attachment parenting trend launches forward.
Love this post! I'm all for sleep training and I think it's better in the long run for the baby and the parents!
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Thanks for the feedback, Brooke! Nice to know that I'm not a 'monster' after all and that other parents sleep train too!
I am so grateful that you did sleep train your boys, and that Jess followed your lead, by sleep training Abby!!! I can step in any time and babysit, and know that those kids will go to sleep with zero fuss! I would NOT want to have to endure a 3 hour bed time ritual, or a visitor in the middle of the night! Your boys make bed time an enjoyable time to spend with them, rather than a time to dread!
Yes I am so glad that our kids are easy to put to sleep for that exact reason!