On April 21st as I was getting supper on the table for my family just before 5:30 PM and my phone rang. It was my mom and I just assumed maybe she was calling to see if we got home okay, as we had just left her house that day from a weekend of seeing all my family. When she asked what I was doing, I said “just standing in my kitchen” and she suggested maybe I should sit down in my kitchen. It was then – I knew. I sat down in our recliner chair in the TV room and she told me that my dad died. I was in shock. I didn’t even cry. Not one tear, not yet. My dad had lost his battle with alcoholism, I just honestly didn’t think it would happen so fast. It wasn’t a surprise, in a sense, to get that phone call…but it certainly was shocking because it happened so suddenly. He was only 55 years old.
I prayed every day for my dad, and God knew that I desperately wanted my dad back in my life some day. I just prayed that God would give my dad enough time to turn his life around…though it seemed nearly impossible that that would ever happen, though all things are possible through Him, and I clung to that promise. I believe that God took my dad so soon, because he was suffering. He was battling the demons that being addicted to alcohol had brought him and He didn’t want him to suffer on earth anymore.
I’m sad that my dad is physically gone, but I mourned his death a long time ago, though I am left here today completely numb and wondering how to grieve. The man that I grew up with knowing, loving, admiring, and respecting as my dad died about 8 months ago to me. Through prayer and my faith, I’m so very thankful that my Heavenly Father has not forsaken me like my earthly one had in the last year or so of his life. The last 2.5 years of my relationship with him was extremely hard, which ultimately led in his estrangement from my family, but that doesn’t erase the near 29 years that he was an amazing, wonderful man in my life.
I was at peace with all my decisions regarding my dad, and I do not regret any one of them. They were directly led by listening to God and I trust in His plan for me and my family. Unfortunately 6 of the last 8 months had been nothing but the worst of the worst from my dad, but for the last 2 months things had been quiet. I’m so thankful that my dad had left us alone and stopped the harassment that he had ensued on all of us so that I didn’t have fear and anger on my heart when he died.
God put my dad on my heart the weekend he died, and I’m so very grateful that He did, and now I know why. Jay, my mom, and I spent all Friday evening talking about my dad. Just reliving the last year and how it came to this point. I confided to Jay and Mom about wanting to write him another letter letting him know that I still wanted a relationship with him one day if he could ever get sober and wanted the same thing. I wanted to send him pictures of my kids, his grandchildren at some point when the time was right…but now I can’t. I have no regrets, but I’m glad that it was on my heart again to let my dad know I still wanted a relationship, that there was still hope. He didn’t leave this earth with me being full of hate and anger towards him, and I pray that he knows that. I pray that he’s with Jesus now and that he is at peace. I have this feeling of “unresolve”. I know that isn’t a real word..but it’s the only one I could think of to make up. There are so many unanswered questions. There were so many undiscovered roads to travel down. There was always the hope of possibly getting my real dad back again, but now that’s all gone.
I remember my dad the way I knew him for the majority of my life. A man that taught me to love the Edmonton Oilers. That took me to Wednesday morning crack-of-dawn figure skating practices and always had a chocolate milk and a honey crueller donut from Tim Horton’s for me after. The man who took me to Edmonton Drillers soccer games and bought me a popcorn and a Barq’s rootbeer every game. The man who taught me to love The Beatles, Star Wars, and Indiana Jones. The man I used to watch Christmas Vacation with every single Christmas – we’d always do it together as a family and not before we were all together. He’s the man that drove me 4 hours to a skating camp to drop me off for the week and came back to pick me up. He took us camping when we were kids. He coached our soccer teams. Though he thrived in his career and was always busy, he always made sure we knew that family was first – that we were #1. He happily came skiing on school trips with us. He took us to every sporting event that ever came to Edmonton – it was such a passion of his. The man who BBQ’d us hot dogs when we would come home from lunch on his day off of work every Wednesday. The man who would make me his famous fried egg sandwiches at any hour of the day or night. I’m going to miss those sandwiches so much, even though I haven’t had one for 2 years. The man who took us to Disneyland and was just as excited, if not more, than we were. The man who was over the moon for my first baby boy, and so so happy to be a grandpa.
He was such a giving man. He would move mountains, not only for his family, but for anyone. That is the man I remember, and if you knew my dad, I hope that that is the man you also remember.
I pray that my dad’s death can bless others deeply. If you, or someone you know, is an alcoholic or struggles with addiction – it is dangerous. It is a lifestyle that will never end positively unless sobriety is reached, it will just leave their families as devastated as we are. I pray that the woman my dad spent the last 8 months of his life with is able to get her life back on track, that would be the biggest blessing of all.
The Long and Winding Road
The Beatles
The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I’ve seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to your door.
The wild and windy night
That the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears
Crying for the day.
Why leave me standing here?
Let me know the way.
Many times I’ve been alone
And many times I’ve cried,
Anyway you’ll never know
The many ways I’ve tried.
And still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don’t leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door.
But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don’t keep me waiting here (don’t keep me waiting)
Lead me to your door.
Dad, I so desperately prayed that your long and winding road would have lead to my door. I find it so fitting, and so sad, that this was your favorite Beatles song. It all makes so much sense to me now. I know you’ve felt like you were alone, and I know that there were many tears cried between the two of us, but you were never alone. I want you to know I never left you, I never abandoned you… I love you so very much and will miss you every single day of my life. Love, Sarah.
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Sarah this is a touching post for sure and very hard to go thru, but you took the right path….gods….love from a distance when ya can’t love up close! Some we have to let go for a time, if it isn’t healthy for us or our family!! I have had to do that too, very hard but very healthy for me and my family!!! God sees and knows your heart, and if you can stay focused on what the positives of your dad was, as I had to do, will help your kids have a positive view of there grandpa.… Read more »
Joy, thank you for taking the time to read and to comment on this post. I've actually had April 21 on the brain for our baby too, even though I didn't officially guess it. It would be a very special day and a special gift if God sends our baby earth-side on the 3rd anniversary of my dad's passing. Even when our earthly parents forsake us, our Heavenly Father never will. God bless and thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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Thanks for reading and taking the time to write such a wonderful comment. Yesterday was harder than I ever could have imagined. Thanks for sharing your story too, praying that your brother will turn it around before it's too late.
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Huge, huge hugs. Sorry I am finally getting to reading this post. It has been weighing on my mind since I saw your post about the death of your dad. You know my history with my mom and the struggle I have been. I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. Thanks for sharing the fantastic memories you have of your dad. Keep these with you to pass along to your boys. They are lovely.
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Oh Sarah. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry that he couldn't have turned it around. Alcoholism is an awful disease and it takes away so much from families. I see that you're remembering the good times and I had tears in my eyes as you remembered your Dad for the good man he was BEFORE alcohol took him away from you. Prayers for you and your family during this difficult time.
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Thank you, Molly for your kind words. Prayers are so much appreciated.
I'm so sorry Sarah that you have lost your dad.May the Lord who understands all our pain and struggles in this life, sustain you and give you his peace. RIP dear man.
He does sustain and bring me peace. Thank you for your kind words, Hilda.
Oh Sarah I am so sorry. I'm so glad you're choosing to remember your dad for the guy he was because that's who he really was deep down – a great father who did all those things you mentioned. Alcoholism just masked that for a while. So sorry for your loss.
And P.S.
You looked amazing on your wedding day! I've never seen any of your wedding pics.
Thank you for your kindness, Lindsay. And thank you, I loved my wedding day.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Sarah! Hang onto the good memories that you have of your dad, and know that you and your family are in my prayers.
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Sarah, this is most certainly the description of the man I once knew. I am glad to you chose to focus your tribute reflecting on that man, while acknowledging, that you really lost him a while ago. My hope for your family is healing and strength. Take care!
Thanks so much for your nice comment, Michelle. It is my true wish that people remember my dad as the amazing man he once was and how devastating alcohol and addiction can be on a family. Thank you, once again.
This is crude for your blog, but my favourite comment by family the week my Dad died last year was -"This is the sh*ts". It so is. And it was nice to hear someone just say it. I'm so sorry…
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I just realized that comment could be taken too many ways – my comment is crude, not your blog post. Also, the post is beautiful… I can feel every word of it.
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No, I understand what you mean. Someone said something similar and it is good to just realize that – this, quite frankly. effing sucks. Thanks, Samantha.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Sarah. I love your undying faith in God & the perspective you bring. What a beautiful blog post.
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Thanks for your kind words.
this was a beautiful thoughtful post. I have a tumultuous relationship with my father also…through prayer I see God is changing our relationship through the birth of my daughter….I'm fortunate I'm seeing small changes in this lifetime. I pray peace over you and your family Sarah.
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I pray that God continues to draw you and your father closer – any changes are good, big or small. Thank you for your prayers.
I am terribly sorry about the loss of your father Sarah. I remember your post about you expressing how much you wanted him in your life, to know your boys. I wish that could have happened for you. My thoughts are with you and your family.
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(¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo http://www.raising-reagan.com
I wish so too, Lanaya. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.
What a beautiful tribute to your dad Sarah. My prayers are with you and your family.
Thank you for reading, Denise. I can always count on the Hospital prayer chain.
I am so sorry to hear this Sarah, my thoughts are with you.
Thank you for your kindness, Megan.
Oh Sarah, what a beautiful post. Isn't it such a peaceful feeling knowing that our loved ones aren't suffering anymore, even if the suffering was by their own hands? Though they're physically gone and it hurts so badly, we can breathe a sigh of relief because they're pain is also gone. I'm still praying for you, sweetie. Everyday <3
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That is the truth, friend – it is one of the things I'm at peace with most is that he isn't suffering physically and especially emotionally anymore. Thanks for your prayers.
Sarah, what a beautiful tribute to yours and Bens wonderful Dad, so wonderful that you are remembering him as the DAD that you once had and loved with all your heart. I have found memories when you guys all lived in Hinton, Tim was loved at Safeway and it was always nice to have him involve with the Hinton Skating club also. Sickness is never easy especially, the one that a person really believe that they can control without anyone's help. I am keeping your Mom, you and your family, and Ben and his family in my thoughts and prayers.… Read more »
Thank you so so much for your nice comment. I knew dad did not want this for himself, but the disease took over the man that I knew and just literally consumed him. I'll always remember the good, thank you for your prayers.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent to addiction is worst feeling ever. I lost my Mom in 2011 to an oxycontin addiction, and I always blamed myself even though I knew there was nothing more I could have done to prevent it. Just know that you are not alone, and it will get better. You guys are in my thoughts.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately with addicts, not a lot of people know that it is 100% on the addict themselves to stop. We can support, nag, encourage, or bully them into it – but at the end of the day it has to be their decision. It is certainly NOT your fault, but I completely understand where your're coming from. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.
Sarah, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. No matter the circumstance, its never easy to loose the first man you ever loved. I'm so thankful for you that you have such amazing memories & I hope & pray for you that you can hold on to those moments forever. May you & your family feel support & peace as your journey through this difficult time of feelings, emotions & loss. God Bless.
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It seems like it was never an option to not remember all the good memories and thank you for your prayers – I want to hold onto them forever too. Definitely seeking peace right now, so thank you for your prayers.
I'm so very sorry Sarah
Thank you, Colleen.
This is a beautiful tribute to your Father, what I a smile he had. As most of our contact with him was through your kid's activities we too remember him as a very proud Dad ! and a heck of a slow pitch player too – hugs ! RIP Tim. Colin and Allison.
Thanks for reading, Allison. I loved being a part of the slow pitch group.
Sarah, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my dad when I was 18 and there is not a single day that I do not think of him at least once. I know it appears that you and your dad had a difficult relationship due to his disease but I completely feel for you. Always remember the good times!
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Luckily it was only difficult for the last year or so. I was blessed with an amazing childhood and I'm grateful his disease didn't find him until later in life, although it just kinda sucks period. Thank you for your nice words.
Sarah, I wish we lived closet so I could give you a big hug. I remember you Dad on your wedding day and your dance together. Sending love to you, Jay, Braden and Ethan. Thinking of your Mom and your brother and his family as well.
I wished we lived closer too, Katie. Thank you so much for the hug, I hope we can see each other soon.
I had a lot of autocorrects in my comment earlier! That's what I get for posting from my phone. Thought of you lots today!!
This is such a sad but happy amazing post, Well said!
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Thank you so much for reading and for the nice comment, Jessie!
Your mom said it perfectly. My words are all jumbled up but my heart aches for you and for Ben. He was a great man and father, closest thing I ever had to a real dad. In my heart he will always be the happy go lucky guy that jokingly yelled at me for falling asleep on his couch while Ben and him watched football. Those memories I will keep forever and one day will tell Abigail what a wonderful man he was. Love you
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My words were jumbled until I started typing. I'm happy we're all choosing to remember the amazing man he was. There was way too much good to focus on the bad. Love you and Ben so much.
Well said my girl. There's no sense focusing on the sick years, when they were so outnumbered by the good ones.
Way, way, way outnumbered. I'll be honored to teach my boys about the wonderful man their grandpa was and also when they're old enough teach them about how dangerous alcohol can be.
Sarah – I am so sorry for your loss. My mother is an alcoholic as well and is actively one. She has been an alcoholic for the majority of my life. I have had times in my life when I have needed her and she was there for me. I cherish those times and I pray that she reaches sobriety again before it is too late. I pray for peace and comfort for your family during this difficult time. Take good care and keep those good memories close to your heart. Tina My recent post Wordless Wednesday – An oldie… Read more »
Thank you for your prayers and you will certainly get them in return. I pray for your mom that she will reach and stay sober…there's so much to lose with alcoholism and none of us deserve it. Thanks, Tina.
I am so so sorry for your loss, Sarah – but I'm so happy to see that you're taking the higher road and remembering your dad for the good times and happiness that he brought you. Many thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
Thank you for your prayers, Tottums. I always knew when my dad died this is exactly how I wanted to remember him.
Sweet Sarah, this is such a touching post and wonderful memories to remember! May this post bless and encourage others dealing with alcoholism! Hugs and prayers for you all!
Thank you, Lindsey…I really hope it does. Thank you for your prayers.
Sarah, I'm so happy to see that you've taken the road of remembering your dad as the amazing dad he was. I'm glad that you're turning to our Heavenly Father in this time and know that he is the one we can rely on always. You are in my thougths and prayers always, but especially now. Big huge hugs from all of us, and Rory sends you and extra special newborn snuggly hug!
Jac
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Oh I so would love a big hug from you and snuggles from Rory. I always knew if anything happened to my dad that this is the dad I would mourn and remember. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have our Heavenly Father.
I'm so sorry for your loss Sarah! My heart truly aches for you, and your family. Your in my prayers. Xoxo
Thanks for all your kind words, Chelsea. Thank you for your prayers.
I am sorry about your dad. It is never easy to lose someone you loved even though he was estranged from you, and had not seen you in 2 years. My dad was an alcoholic as well, and this post hit me hard.
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It's so sad how many friends and readers have reached out to me and told me that their loved one is/was an alcoholic. It's such a devastating disease. It completely changed the man I grew up knowing my father. I'm so sorry for your struggles too.