On April 21st as I was getting supper on the table for my family just before 5:30 PM and my phone rang. It was my mom and I just assumed maybe she was calling to see if we got home okay, as we had just left her house that day from a weekend of seeing all my family. When she asked what I was doing, I said “just standing in my kitchen” and she suggested maybe I should sit down in my kitchen. It was then – I knew. I sat down in our recliner chair in the TV room and she told me that my dad died. I was in shock. I didn’t even cry. Not one tear, not yet. My dad had lost his battle with alcoholism, I just honestly didn’t think it would happen so fast. It wasn’t a surprise, in a sense, to get that phone call…but it certainly was shocking because it happened so suddenly. He was only 55 years old.
I prayed every day for my dad, and God knew that I desperately wanted my dad back in my life some day. I just prayed that God would give my dad enough time to turn his life around…though it seemed nearly impossible that that would ever happen, though all things are possible through Him, and I clung to that promise. I believe that God took my dad so soon, because he was suffering. He was battling the demons that being addicted to alcohol had brought him and He didn’t want him to suffer on earth anymore.
I’m sad that my dad is physically gone, but I mourned his death a long time ago, though I am left here today completely numb and wondering how to grieve. The man that I grew up with knowing, loving, admiring, and respecting as my dad died about 8 months ago to me. Through prayer and my faith, I’m so very thankful that my Heavenly Father has not forsaken me like my earthly one had in the last year or so of his life. The last 2.5 years of my relationship with him was extremely hard, which ultimately led in his estrangement from my family, but that doesn’t erase the near 29 years that he was an amazing, wonderful man in my life.
I was at peace with all my decisions regarding my dad, and I do not regret any one of them. They were directly led by listening to God and I trust in His plan for me and my family. Unfortunately 6 of the last 8 months had been nothing but the worst of the worst from my dad, but for the last 2 months things had been quiet. I’m so thankful that my dad had left us alone and stopped the harassment that he had ensued on all of us so that I didn’t have fear and anger on my heart when he died.
God put my dad on my heart the weekend he died, and I’m so very grateful that He did, and now I know why. Jay, my mom, and I spent all Friday evening talking about my dad. Just reliving the last year and how it came to this point. I confided to Jay and Mom about wanting to write him another letter letting him know that I still wanted a relationship with him one day if he could ever get sober and wanted the same thing. I wanted to send him pictures of my kids, his grandchildren at some point when the time was right…but now I can’t. I have no regrets, but I’m glad that it was on my heart again to let my dad know I still wanted a relationship, that there was still hope. He didn’t leave this earth with me being full of hate and anger towards him, and I pray that he knows that. I pray that he’s with Jesus now and that he is at peace. I have this feeling of “unresolve”. I know that isn’t a real word..but it’s the only one I could think of to make up. There are so many unanswered questions. There were so many undiscovered roads to travel down. There was always the hope of possibly getting my real dad back again, but now that’s all gone.
I remember my dad the way I knew him for the majority of my life. A man that taught me to love the Edmonton Oilers. That took me to Wednesday morning crack-of-dawn figure skating practices and always had a chocolate milk and a honey crueller donut from Tim Horton’s for me after. The man who took me to Edmonton Drillers soccer games and bought me a popcorn and a Barq’s rootbeer every game. The man who taught me to love The Beatles, Star Wars, and Indiana Jones. The man I used to watch Christmas Vacation with every single Christmas – we’d always do it together as a family and not before we were all together. He’s the man that drove me 4 hours to a skating camp to drop me off for the week and came back to pick me up. He took us camping when we were kids. He coached our soccer teams. Though he thrived in his career and was always busy, he always made sure we knew that family was first – that we were #1. He happily came skiing on school trips with us. He took us to every sporting event that ever came to Edmonton – it was such a passion of his. The man who BBQ’d us hot dogs when we would come home from lunch on his day off of work every Wednesday. The man who would make me his famous fried egg sandwiches at any hour of the day or night. I’m going to miss those sandwiches so much, even though I haven’t had one for 2 years. The man who took us to Disneyland and was just as excited, if not more, than we were. The man who was over the moon for my first baby boy, and so so happy to be a grandpa.
He was such a giving man. He would move mountains, not only for his family, but for anyone. That is the man I remember, and if you knew my dad, I hope that that is the man you also remember.
I pray that my dad’s death can bless others deeply. If you, or someone you know, is an alcoholic or struggles with addiction – it is dangerous. It is a lifestyle that will never end positively unless sobriety is reached, it will just leave their families as devastated as we are. I pray that the woman my dad spent the last 8 months of his life with is able to get her life back on track, that would be the biggest blessing of all.
The Long and Winding Road
The Beatles
The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I’ve seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to your door.
The wild and windy night
That the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears
Crying for the day.
Why leave me standing here?
Let me know the way.
Many times I’ve been alone
And many times I’ve cried,
Anyway you’ll never know
The many ways I’ve tried.
And still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don’t leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door.
But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don’t keep me waiting here (don’t keep me waiting)
Lead me to your door.
Dad, I so desperately prayed that your long and winding road would have lead to my door. I find it so fitting, and so sad, that this was your favorite Beatles song. It all makes so much sense to me now. I know you’ve felt like you were alone, and I know that there were many tears cried between the two of us, but you were never alone. I want you to know I never left you, I never abandoned you… I love you so very much and will miss you every single day of my life. Love, Sarah.
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